Help! The Goblins are Revolting!
by Fantasmagorie
Summary: The Goblins have taken over the Labyrinth! How will they cope in a socialist government? How will Jareth cope when he gets chucked out of the underground and into the real world? And what the hell has Prince got to do with all of this?
1. Prologue

Prologue - Vive la Revolution

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Disclaimer - Don't own it but Boris is mine. Mwah ha ha!

A/N - Yay new fic! Yes it's another silly one don't expect any deep metaphisical stuff or passionate romances or even a good plot, but this one's quite good, so there. Big thank to Daemon Faerie Queen who beta read this for. And there you go, enjoy!

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_"The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Freeman and slave, patrician and plebeian, lord and serf, guild-master and journeyman, in a word, oppressor and oppressed, stood in constant opposition to one another, carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either in a revolutionary reconstitution of society at large, or in the common ruin of the contending classes."_

Boris' beady eyes widened with fascination as he read the mysterious words that spread across the page of the dusty old book. Boris wasn't the reading type but this Karl Marx person had really captured his interest. The little Goblin had been dusting in the huge castle library, a very daunting task when you were only eighteen and a half inches tall, and had bumped into one of the towering shelves, where this certain book had dislodged itself and promptly fell on top of him. Once the swollen lump on his head had gone down a bit and those pesky stars went away he thought he might as well check the damn thing out. Nothing in this world or the next was going to make him climb to the top shelf to put it back so he might as well read it. He was not disappointed.

Boris couldn't believe it. There were so many new ideas coursing round his head, he just had to tell someone. He'd always been marked as a stupid creature along with the rest of his race but, thanks to the book, Boris had now realised that Goblins were only stupid because they had no opportunity to be anything else. Thankfully, Boris had been around a long time and had learned to read a few centuries ago by eavesdropping when his Highness was still in lessons with his younger cousins. Nobody knew this little secret, of course.

And so with a brain full of Marxism and idealism, Boris called a secret meeting among the other Goblins in the castle's darkest wine cellar. A lot more Goblins turned up than he had expected, maybe because he had bribed them with punch and pie...

"So, Does anyvone know vhy ve are here?" he enquired to his audience.

"You said there'd be food." said someone at the back.

"Apart from that." snapped Boris. There was a deadly silence among the crowd. "OK never mind, I'll tell you." he sighed "I have had a revelation. This vorld that ve live in is infected! Infected vith a plague of capitalism! Ve are enslaved by the bourgeoisie!"

"What's a burgeosis?" a Goblin heckled.

"That's not the point!" yelled Boris "The point is that ve have been under the control of a man who cares only for his own vellbeing and his own happiness. Never once has he granted us even the simplest of comforts, ve live in filth vhile he lounges around in luxury! Now tell me! Is that fair?"

There was another uneasy silence until one of the audience raised a grubby paw.

"Yes, you at the back."

"Well, no it's not fair... but that's just the way it is. We don't have a basis for comparison." said the little Goblin reciting the age old slogan of the kingdom.

"But, don't you see? Ve do have a basis for comparison. Ve see him every day! There's thousands of us and if ve band together, ve can achieve anything! Ve can overcome the most powerful of magics! Together ve can all become equvals and live in peace and harmony. The whole Labyrinth can belong to us!"

"But, how do we defeat the King?" shouted someone from the back. "He's all powerful!"

"Ahhh! That's vhere you're wrong!" cried Boris "Vithout his crystals, he is nothing. Ve just need to steal them. Then ve can qvikly dispose of him and take control! Now who's vith me!"

There was yet another silence and they all stared at him blankly. One of the more talkative Goblins raised his hand nervously. "Erm... Do we still get pie?"

Boris sighed "Yes! You can still have pie. After the revolution ve can have all the pie that ve vant!"

"YAYYYYYY!" came an uproarious reply and the Goblins cheered and danced and drank owl wine until they fell over.


	2. The Uprising

Chapter One - The Uprising

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A/N - Oh my God! I never thought that would go down well and yet I get six reviews. Thank you so much.

Paul P.S. Sullivan - Yes, well you'll have to thank Daemon Faerie Queen for that joke. Good thing she thought of it too because it was a stroke of genius.

The Eskimo - Yes I did intend the title to be that way, it was a play on words.

Morrigana - cool word, atwitter. Mind if I use it later on? Cool name too, my cat's called Morrigana.

Hippie99 - Am I really that predictable or was everyone thinking about throwing him out the window?

Moonjava - Thanks.

Dawn1 - Thank you too. I'm glad I broke your routine.

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Out of the many things he was planning to do that day, Jareth, the Goblin King, had not expected to be woken up at six in the morning with an army of Goblins laying siege to his bedroom. A little annoyed by the intrusion he flung the door open and gave the Goblin army one of his most menacing glares.

"And just what time do you call this!" he shouted angrily "I ought to send you all to the Bog of Eternal Stench for this interruption!" when they didn't react he called for desperate measures and was about to pull out one of his crystal balls when… oh crap where were they…?

"Lookingk for these?" said one of the creatures and held up what he was indeed searching for, Jareth recognised him as his butler. What was his name? Morris? Doris? The little Goblin laughed maniacally and started juggling the flawless orbs and dancing a merry little jig which only lasted a few seconds because he nearly dropped them. "Oh damn it!" he said "I knew I should have practised that more! Anyvay! Vithout these trinkets you are nothingk but a mere mortal! Ve are now the rulers of this land. Prepare to die!"

Jareth was momentarily stunned. This was not good. Soon it dawned in the poor Goblin King that an army of a thousand or so rabid Goblins were coming right for him but it was too late! He was mercilessly carried across the room and roughly chucked out the window screaming like a little girl.

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Out of the many things she was planning to do that day, Cynthia, the royal PR Guru, had not expected to be woken up at six in the morning by a lot of shouting and girly screaming. It seemed to be coming from a few floors above her and after poking her head out of her bedroom window she was astonished to find her employer hurtling out of one of the windows and grab her arm as he fell. She screamed loudly with shock and from the pain that the unexpected weight had caused.

"Quick! They're after me! Pull me in!" shouted Jareth and with a large adrenalin rush and a lot of heaving the young woman obeyed.

"Ahhhh!" she screamed as she finally pulled the terrified Goblin King inside. "I think you dislocated my shoulder! What the hell happened up there?"

"They! They were! Oh my God, Cynthia! They were! The Goblins were revolting!" came her reply.

"I know. No need to get personal."

"No! Somehow they've banded together and started a rebellion! It was horrible. They took my balls and through me out the window."

"They castrated you?" cried Cynthia.

"No my crystal balls, but they might as well have. I'm powerless without those things." Jareth moaned.

"Well surely you must have some magic left! If the Goblins are rebelling then we have to get out of here!" shouted Cynthia. "A charm, a spell, a card trick, anything!"

"Of Course!" Jareth shouted suddenly. "You little genius, you know this is the reason I pay you so much money to talk to the press for me. I always mince my words when I have to do it and you know what those freaks from the Goblin Gazette are like…."

"Well, what is it?" said Cynthia.

"What is what?"

"Your ingenious idea." said Cynthia slightly annoyed.

"Oh yes. My pendant! it's the only thing that can take me to the Aboveworld! I can escape!"

"Well, that's a great plan your madge but what about me?" cried Cynthia angrily.

"They've got nothing against you. It's me they're after! I need you to do something more important." said Jareth. "I need you to ride to the neighbouring kingdom of Korvette and get help from my cousin, the Monarch formally known as Prince. He'll be able to raise an army and rescue my kingdom."

"Erm… That wasn't in my job description." said Cynthia.

"You must! The fate of the Labyrinth is in your hands!" cried Jareth. "Tell him to contact me when you get there. I'll be lying low in the Aboveworld but he'll know how to find me. Good luck, my dear!" the crescent of his pendant glowed like Chernobyl on a dark night and the Goblin King began to fade away into the ether, leaving his stunned employee behind. She quickly began packing in preparation for her escape mumbling "I'd better be getting a pay rise for this." 


	3. A Very Nasty Discovery

Chapter Two - A Very Nasty Discovery 

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Review Responses: Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Moonjava - Thanks a lot. Hugs for you.

Dawn1 - Thanks. I do love my one liners. There's quite a few in this chapter that back up that point. Hugs for you, and muffins.

Jazzy021 - Yes she most certainly is. I wasn't going to because I find it very hard to write parts for Sarah. Maybe it's because I'm nothing like her and can't really identify with her. I'm not sure if it'll be a romance though and even if it is don't expect anything particularly mind blowing. Hugs for you, and chocolate

Morrigana - Yeah, that balls joke is probably going to become a running theme in this fic I'm afraid. It's cheap comedy but never mind. Hugs for you, and garden gnomes.

Dancingryoohoki - Howling you say? Bloody hell. I like the Prince idea too. I just wanted to cram a load of eighties pop stars into a Labyrinth fic to keep up with the David Bowie theme and I'm going to put in another character called Adam Ant the dandy highwayman. If you have any suggestions for any cameos please let me know. Hugs for you, and a cuddly toy.

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"At last! Ve are free!" shouted Boris gleefully from his perch on the former Goblin King's throne. "Free from oppression, free to do vhatever ve vant!"

"Yay." cheered a few over enthusiastic Goblins.

"Um…what do we want?" asked one of the new comrades.

"Vell, I don't know! That's your decision." said Boris angrily. "That's the whole bloody point of casting off the bloody shackles of bloody oppression, isn't it!"

"All right! No need to get all touchy about it. Kiss your mother with that mouth? Your nuts." said the other Goblin, whose name, incidentally, was Rodriguez.

"I vas just making the point that ve can do vhatever ve vant." said Boris after he'd calmed down a bit and had some hot chocolate. "So tell me, Goblins, vhat is it you vant?"

"I dunno. To get drunk I guess." said Rod and was followed by murmurs of agreement from the crowd.

"Ve did that anyvay."

"I know but it was fun." said Rod, backed up by even more murmurs of agreement.

"Very vell." sighed Boris. "It'll hardly change the vorld but never mind. To the Vine cellars!"

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Sarah's fingers typed furiously at her laptop in the makeshift office she had set up in her old room as she finished off her last few e-mails back to the museum she worked at. This week was supposed to be her holiday but the work just seemed to follow her around even when it was as far away as Athens. So what if they found some more artefacts belonging to the ancient Minoans, that shouldn't have to intrude on her family time. And of course like any expert on ancient Crete, Sarah was always sceptical about new finds. Archaeologists had a nasty habit of forging evidence what it came to the legendary Labyrinth city of Knossos. Just because they found a sword did not mean that Theseus killed Minotaurs with it.

She was suddenly jerked out of her reverie when something heavy landed on the roof, bumped around a bit and crashed into the tree outside her window. Sarah panicked and grabbed the nearest sharp object she could find, which unfortunately happened to be a fork she'd used to eat her Chinese take away with. She was seriously worried now. Her parents were out that night and Toby was staying at his friends house. Although she had taken a few self defence classes, Sarah really doubted that she could take on a burglar alone with only a fork for a weapon. She edged her way across the room until she summoned up the courage to fling open the window.

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Jareth landed on earth with a loud bang and a sickening crack. Everything exploded into a world of pain and the ex-Goblin King seriously hoped that he hadn't broken anything. Experimentally he got up and realised that he had landed on someone's roof and had only broken a few tiles instead of bones. The area did look familiar though. He wondered where he'd seen it before.

Those thoughts were cut short by a loud scraping sound as something gave way and Jareth lost his footing and ended up falling to his imminent death. Or he would've done if that tree hadn't got in the way. Now this definitely felt familiar.

He pondered this for a while as he hung upside down from one of the branches. He'd hadn't told the pendant to go to any specific location so it must have just acted automatically and taken him to the last place on Earth where he'd been called. Jareth jumped with the realisation. Oh no! If this was the last place on Earth that he'd been called to then that meant that this was the last place on Earth that he wanted to be. Damn it! He was hanging outside Sarah's house, outside her room. Damn it! She was in there. Damn it! She'd spotted him. Damn it! She was heading this way with a silver pointy object in her hand and DAMN IT! He was still wearing his Thunderbirds pyjamas!

"Somehow, an army of murderous Goblins trying to kill doesn't seem so bad." Jareth muttered as the girl flung the window open.

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Cynthia leaped out of the Eastern Gate of the Labyrinth and collapsed onto the soft sand with exhaustion. She'd never crossed the giant maze before and she'd firmly decided to never do it again. That place was screwed up. In fact she didn't even like going as far as the Goblin City if she could help it.

Cynthia had been wished away by accident when she was thirteen and because she was too old to be turned into a Goblin she had been given to Mrs Burns the chief housekeeper to take of. After five long and boring years of working as a maid Cynthia had well and truly had enough and went to complain to the king. At which point they got into a huge fight. It wasn't really important but the king had liked her confidence and after several promotions she had become head of the kingdom's public relations department.

Now she was in a bit of a pickle seeing as she had a desert to cross, then mountains on the Korvette border, then over a hundred miles of treacherous forest. Ah well, it was for a good cause. If she couldn't get Jareth back in power she would have to find another job. But first things first, she would have to find a very fast horse...


	4. Hosts and Guides

Chapter Three - Hosts and Guides

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A/N - Hey there. Sorry it's been a while but the writer's block demon had me in an arm lock for a month. I think this is by far the cutest chapter I've ever written and the jokes are pretty good too. So sit back and enjoy!

Review Responses :

dawn1 - Glad you like the pj's. I thought they were great. My cousin had some when he was little and I was so jealous.

Moonjava - Thanks.

hippie99 - Er... cool. Hope you didn't hurt yourself there.

jazzy021 - Well, this won't be a heavy romance, but it will have some cuteness throughout. I'm not sure about the trainee thing. But if you want to know more about the Goblin King's hiring policies please write to:

Jim Henson and Brian Froud's very unusual brains PO Box 13 The Land of Nod SP11 0DZ

Toshihiko1 - Of course you were supposed to make that connection! It's a bloody joke! This is a comedy so therefore there is a "joke" in the title. Do I need to explain it any further? RAAAAAAAAA! (the author apologises for her behaviour at this point and blames it on a very long and hard day)

Kat the Fish - Cool! I hope I got you hooked.

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Sarah stared, aghast, out of her bedroom window. There, lying in a tangle of limbs and branches was her mortal enemy, The Goblin King... in Thunderbirds jammies! Not only that but her was looking at her with a similar expression of horror and panic but what shocked her even more when he gave her a nervous smile and said "Uh... hi."

"...hello." said Sarah feeling very confused. There was a very long and awkward silence before Sarah couldn't take it anymore. "What are you doing here?" she said in what she thought was a defiant voice but it actually sounded like a frightened squeak.

"I got ousted." said Jareth. "Listen, I don't want to trouble you or anything but could you help me down from here...and then lend me some clothes...and some money."

"What? Ousted? What do you mean ousted?" cried Sarah.

"I mean the Goblins had an uprising for some reason and I had to flee my own kingdom but I somehow ended up here instead of my intended hiding place."

"Oh my God!" said Sarah "What are you going to do?"

"Well I'd like to get out of this damn tree." said Jareth angrily.

Fifteen minutes later and the ex-Goblin King was relaxing in the Williams' living room with a mug of tea that had a picture of Peter Rabbit on it. Sarah watched him curiously from the doorway. The pyjamas and the mug made him look more like a little boy than the fearsome Goblin King that had terrified her so many years ago,  
especially since he still a few twigs stuck in his hair.

"So tell me tell what happened to you. Start from the very beginning." she said as she brought in the biscuits.

"Well, a long time ago, my mother and father met one another and decided they loved each other very much..." Jareth started.

"Not that far back!" the girl snapped "Why did the Goblins rebel?"

"I've asked myself the same question, and quite frankly, I haven't got a clue." said the ex-Goblin King. "They just barged into my room, stole my balls and threw me out the window!"

"They castrated you?"

"No! We've already done that joke! Anyway, I would have fallen to my death but Cynthia saved me and I managed to escape to the Aboveworld while she went to my cousin for help." said Jareth "And that's about it. I'm stuck here for the time being with no money and nowhere to stay."

"Who's Cynthia?" asked Sarah, feeling a tiny bubble of jealousy even though she didn't know why.

"Oh, she's my Public Relations manager. She's so talented. Did you know, she was the one who came up with my whole scary Goblin King persona?" said Jareth happily.

"Really?" said Sarah, astonished.

"Oh yeah. Before I hired her, I was just Peter Pan with a different haircut."

"No wonder you've been acting so different." said Sarah.

"Well, things aren't always what they seem. I guess that includes me too." said Jareth wistfully.

"Yeah. So, what will you do now?" the girl asked.

"I don't know. Lie low for a bit until it's safe to go home, I suppose. I'll probably have to get a job while I'm here, and a place to stay."

"Well, the second one's taken care of." said Sarah. She must have been going mad but it was too late now.

"You meant it? You don't mind if I stay?" said Jareth, amazed.

"Of course not. But if you do anything remotely evil, then you're out on your ear!"

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Cynthia had collapsed into a heap on the barren sand. Her bright red hair was wild and tangled and her face was sticky with mud, perspiration and blood. Damn, it was scary in there! It was the first time she had tried to navigate the Labyrinth and she was pretty sure it would be her last. She greatly wished that she was back in her cosy little office complaining to whoever would listen about how hard her job was and moaning about his majesty behind his back. Now she was just exhausted from running away from countless monsters and falling through countless trap doors. A few fairies had tried poking her to check whether she was alive or not, but when she didn't move they got bored and fluttered away. Suddenly she was jerked back into reality when a bucket of stinking pond water was dumped over her head and she found herself face to face with a very ugly little dwarf.

"Bloody Hell! What was that for?" she shouted. "Who are you? Where am I? What's going on?"

"You passed out, thems vultures was beginning to circle if I didn't wake you up soon"  
said the dwarf.

"Oh." said Cynthia. "Well, thanks er... Hogwart was it?"

"Actually, it's pronounced Hoggle." said Hoggle.

"Really? The king said you were called Hogwart."

"Well he was wrong then wasn't he!"

"That's highly likely, his majesty really is bad with names. I mean, he called me Cindy for five years. I had to write my real name on my forehead until he got it right." said Cynthia. "I'm Cynthia by the way."

"Ah! The King's little puppet master eh? So what brings you here then?" said the dwarf.

"I need to get to Korvette on some urgent business. Do you know the way?"

"Mmmm...maybe." said Hoggle mysteriously.

"Well do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Know the way?"

"What way?"

"God! It's hopeless asking you anything!" Cynthia shouted.

"Not if you ask the right question..." said Hoggle with sneaky little smile.

"Will you take me to Korvette if I give you money?" asked Cynthia.

"Well done, that was spot on." said Hoggle. "If you would care to follow me, missy,  
we'll be on our way." 


	5. Kings of Leon

Chapter Four - Kings of Leon

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Boris and the other Goblins were feeling particularly grumpy and hung over that morning and no amount of coffee was going to make it better.

"Hey, Comrade Boris, weren't we supposed to be at work like three hours ago?" asked Rod from his resting place on the throne room floor where he had collapsed the night before.

"Ah, shuddup!" Boris groaned "We're free now, we don't have to work."

"But I'm hungry and no one's on kitchen duty."

"...crap!"

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Meanwhile, somewhere on the Labyrinth's borders, Cynthia and Hoggle sat down to rest under a gnarled old tree. They had left Hoggle's tiny cottage just before dawn after a hearty breakfast of scrambled fairies on toast. the journey so far had been uneventful enough and there was very little to see as they traversed the sandy scrubland between the colossal fortress that was the Labyrinth and it's border with the independent yet small kingdom of Leon. Hoggle had planned a brief route through this country as the land was less barren with more human settlements. They could also avoid most of the mountain range this way if they took the long way around.

"OK, we'll arrive at the border in about an hour if wes walk quickly." said Hoggle. "We 'ave to be careful in those parts, the roads are full of bandits. Don't go a wandering in the towns at night and don't drink the water, it be full o'nasties."

"And this is the easy route, you say?" said Cynthia sceptically. "Isn't there any kind of law enforcement?"

"Nah! The whole place is run by a warrior clan that call 'emselves the Kings of Leon."

"How original!" the girl sighed.

"Theys gets a real kick out of terrorising their citizens." said Hoggle solemnly. "Oh and Leon isn't very friendly when it comes to strangers so we need to blend in." he reached inside his backpack and pulled out a pair of outfits made entirely out of leather and chainmail. "Put this on, will you."

An hour or two later and Cynthia and Hoggle were crossed the border looking an awful lot like bikers with swords.

"Are you sure we're going to fit in?" the girl asked looking at her elaborate costume. "This thing is awfully heavy and I look like some sort of Visigoth."

"Quit complainin'!" said the dwarf checking his map. "We'll find an inn for the night in the next town then gets an early start tomorrow so wes can cover most of the main road and hopefully we'll reach the mountains by dusk.".

"I don't like this place, Hoggle. It's full of head bangers!" Cynthia whispered worriedly, eyeing the rather dangerous looking passers by. "Maybe, the king can just find his own way back from the Above World. Yeah! Let's go home now and have a nice cup of tea."

"Now wait just a second!" cried the dwarf. "I's never pretended to like Jareth that much, but if wes don't find a way to get 'im back, the entire kingdom will go down the pan and you and me will be out of a job! We have a quest and it is our duty to fulfil it." By now they had entered the local inn and were faced with twenty pairs of violent, beady eyes focused on them from the crowd of villains and drunks inside.

"Er... on second thought, that cup of tea sounds nice." said the dwarf seeming to shrink even smaller than her actually was.

The cowardly duo approached the bar and tentatively tried to get the attention of the psychotic,  
one eyed bartender behind it.

"Um...excuse me..." Cynthia began.

"WHADA YOU WANT!" the man bellowed with enough ferocity to knock the girl off her barstool.

"Don't be polite! Act like one of them." Hoggle whispered, trembling behind her.

"Right..." said the girl. "Now listen, mate. Me and my roady here need a place to crash for the night so we can wreck the place and indulge in some copious amounts of sex, drugs and ROCK AND ROLL!" she shouted and with a flourish she threw a barstool out the window.

The barman just stared at her blankly.

"We seem to have a bit of a language barrier." Cynthia whispered to the cowering dwarf behind her "But don't worry, I can speak fluent Keith Richards." She turned to the bartender again and began making a complex series of grunts and groaning noises which made her sound like a zombie. Eventually the bartender broke down and agreed to give them a room if she promised not to eat his brain and the two unlikely heroes settled down for the night.

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Jareth was snoozing peacefully on the Williams family couch and was having a lovely dream about triumphantly getting his kingdom back and throwing a massive house (or castle) party to celebrate. Sarah was there but she was being a lot smilier than usual, and so was Cynthia who was getting awfully big headed about rescuing the kingdom as well as getting steadily drunk like she often did at royal functions. He'd also hired Prefab Sprout as entertainers and was currently enjoying a stimulating conversation with Napoleon. He was beginning to realise that the ex French Emperor was a bit of a bastard and that he'd been dead for a number of years which worried him a bit but as much as when Mr Bonaparte began turning into a pink flamingo and squawking really loudly.

"AHHH! ROBERT! THERE'S A MAN IN THE HOUSE! AND HE'S SLEEPING ON THE COUCH!"

Jareth's eye's snapped open and he was suddenly face to face with a terrified blonde woman who was squawking a lot like the flamingo in his dream. It was really too late at night for something like this so the ousted Goblin King tried rolling over and going back to sleep, but realised that was not an easy task when the blonde woman began hitting over the head with her handbag.

"AH! Gerrof!" he groaned trying to wriggle away. "Sarah!"

Luckily he was quickly rescued when Sarah rushed downstairs and started screaming at everyone to stop panicking.

"Dad, Karen," she said when everything had calmed down. "This is Jareth. He's...er...a friend of mine...from college. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before but he kind of showed up out of the blue."

"He seems a little old to have gone to college with you." said her father sceptically.

"...um...he was a mature student." said Sarah desperately. "And he really needs a place to stay until he finds another job, so do you mind if he stays here?"

"Please." Jareth added shyly.

Robert scowled for a few minutes but his shoulders soon sank in defeat and he retreated to his bedroom with his wife not far behind shouting things along the lines of "Robert, you can't be serious! I will not have that creature staying in MY house!"

"Sorry about that." said Sarah "They're nice people really." But the ex-Goblin King was already asleep. 


End file.
